pretty simple, if im pregnant dont know what i'll do, im scared he'll leave me, didn't think it was even a consideration but everyone else seems to think i may be ... fun times? not so much all i have done in 12 hours is cry. 

 i neeed to stop this binging eff, ate way too much for dinner, disgusting.

is today national ex day? like wtf, can it get anymore awkward. 
run into one, one randomly contacts me on msn and then another contacts me through a mutual friend.
PULEEEES, school is already stressful enough do NOT need this.

&& then found out something tonight kind wish i hadnt, have to be up in 5 hours and cannot sleep
hmmm hopefully tomorrow has to be better.

When I day dream about the future, about my family  I dream about this beautiful little boy. Caeden will be his name, and he's beautiful with big eyes and a huge smile. I dream about his sister a beautiful girl with curls who I will  name Capri, short for Caprice whether it's a first or middle name she will have it. It's a beautiful name, in a beautiful song, for a beautiful little girl full of giggles and smiles.

Does this make me wierd strange, that i am excited for this in a farther future. Is it strange that these children come to me in my dreams? Gabriella Capri & Caeden?

Maybe I am too worried about the future or planning ahead, my day will come and i will have this, what matters most to me my family.


"She’s got a baby inside
And holds her belly tight
All through the night
Just so she knows
She’s sleeping so
Safely to keep
Her growing
And oh when she'll open her eyes
There'll be no surprise
That she'll grow to be
So beautifully"


<3

 really..really...REALLY?

im already super bitchy and having a bad day, no dont bother asking if im alright, calling...nope sweetheart just pick a stupid fight. Ugh no i dont want you to ditch your secondary plans and come here now, nope too late have fun tonight while i fume because you know you messed up. Ill be over it in a bit dont worry but let me be mad for a while i deserve at least that much.

 So,
today's the first shift. Oddly enough I'm not nervous but extremely content. I'm very happy with life right now. I may be broke but everything is working out.
 
Last night I made him dinner and i've never had anyone treat me the way he did,  the way he does. He was so thankful and appreciated the littlest things <3

I don't regret any decision i've made with you because the more this goes on, the better it becomes, and the closer we get. Let's be honest I pretty much adore you. As for the other things in life I've decided to be the grown up and have been resolving alot of issues and previous cut off relationships. It's hard at first but I feel so much better fixing some of these friendships. It is too much energy to hate or dislike someone for so long. Right now I feel so good about everything and it's so nice to finally have this happy feeling when I wake up in the morning.

Tonight is the 90s party for a friends birthday and it's going to be amazing. :) 
It's going to be weird not spending the evening with you though. 

Well it's off to work :)

P.S. there's a mouse, i named him freddy and my kitties are gonna eat him, i can hear it!!!

 lalalala.
Today's going to be a good day, I can feel it.

Waiting for the boy to come over then off to the movies :) So i pretty much spend every day with him or see him at least once a day. I'm so not use to this at all. And i like it, thats the weirdest part. Im falling hard for this one <3

"They said change your clothes, she said no I wont.
They said comb your hair, she said some kids don't....
They said you can't go, she said yes I will.
They said don't see him, she said his name is Bill...
She's a wild one."

love.love.love, that song is amazing.


So tomorrow morning I'm going to the lake. I am super excited except I have a feeling I'm gonna miss him alot. Weird eh? Usually im not like that, the kind of girl that wants to spend all my time with someone but hunny i'm getting attached too. <3

"baby you're the smart one. Honey if i'm the smart one we're screwed." <3

thank-you God for unanswered prayers, cause hes ten times better than i could have hoped for && guess what, he's mine.

Bonjour.

ahh exams are soon and it's stressing me out yet here i am posting this instead of studying, hmm not so productive. So i talked to the boy yesterday and i feel as if im over it all yet i know it is keeping that stupid little bit of hope alive though i deny it to everyone.

So class today an abuse victim was a guest speaker and it killed me, put me in a mood and memories came back. I really need to deal with this, how am i suppose to be a child and youth worker. I love the field, love the program but sometimes i cant help but get caught up in the past. I really need to get ahold of this. && now im home all alone, probably the worst idea in the world. All i want to do is text him, tell him to come over but i wont!  I will stand my ground this time.

Thank the heavens im going to coffee with one of my best friends in three hours. I dont know how i would have handled the past week without her, she most definitely has kept me sane.

"In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight" <3 She keeps me sober, and reminds me that i can get through it all and stay strong. I have to remind myself with all that ive been through this is just a small bump in the road that i CAN handle. But it's hard, its like im being reminded yet again that i wouldnt be happy i wont find someone who respects and wants me for me. I didnt even share any of my past with him so afraid to lose him and i did anyways. Even without my reasons im still to messed for someone to want to love me. It's frustrating.

Well off to studying, maybe being productive will make me feel better somehow. I just wish the confusion and doubt would go away.